Vacation Freak Out

I love to travel.  I love the going places and seeing new things and the freedom that magic word VACATION really means.  The problem is - I'm not very good at it!  I get nervous and jumpy and uncomfortable.  I'm always afraid I'm going to forget something, or overpack (that one's a given, I mean I AM a girl!).

Last year's vacation I was even more nervous than ever.  We were flying to Texas with a not-quite-three-month-old baby.  But we were spending the best part of a week at the beach and the rest of it just hanging at a hotel with some of our friends and Colin's family.  So planning was actually a breeze.  I had no worries about packing (other than the fact that I didn't fit into . . . oh . . . ANY of my summer clothes!)  Luckily enough once I experienced the ease of flying with itty-bitty-tiny Cassidy I was able to relax and really enjoyed my vacation.

(Cassidy on her first plane ride)

So, you'd think that this year would be just as simple.  After all we're flying to Texas again - this time to go camping and visit some of our friends in Austin.

Not the case.  I'm totally freaking out.

Part of it is that Cassidy is almost-sixteen-months old.  That is a lifetime of difference from three months.  Eating is different, sleeping is different, PLAYING is different!

EATING: At three months she nursed and that was it!  So for food - we were good!  I had to make sure I packed the pump and a bottle for back up, but that was easy.  Now we are feeding ourself (what a big girl!) but that means high chair and toddler plates, bowls, forks and spoons!  Oh yeah and sippy cups, not to mention we still have to take a bottle because we haven't quite gotten rid of the LAST one she has (right before bed every day).

SLEEPING: At three months sleep was - well there was a lot of it to begin with.  Plus she would sleep wherever and whenever.  At night she either slept with us, or on the floor on a little pallet that we made for her.   We didn't have to worry about her moving around or whatever.  Nurse, sleep, we were good!  Now is a whole other story.  First of all - it takes her about 20 minutes of wiggling, screaming, and/or talking to herself in her crib to GET to sleep.  Once asleep she wiggles and rolls and moves.  Sometimes she wakes up and has to talk/sing herself back to sleep.  None of these things work well with Mama and Daddy in the room.  Unfortunately we're CAMPING in a TRAILER.  Cassidy, Mama, and Daddy will be sharing a very small room - with bunk beds.  No room for a pack and play - and it could cost us as much as $70 to get it there and back anyway (could be free, but airlines are very unclear on what flies free and what you pay for!)  So - this could potentially be a problem.

PLAYING: At three months playing was pretty much tummy time and listening and looking.  We took a few toys, but nothing to speak of.  Now . . . well, entertainment is a must.  And I'm worried about taking the wrong toys - or not enough toys - or wasting space taking toys that end up not being used at all.

Yes I'm obsessing.

I'm also nervous about me.  Last year I definitely felt, well - fat.  But I was also realistic - I'd just had a baby and gone through a difficult pregnancy so - even though I wasn't happy (or comfortable) with the fat I kind of felt like it was part and parcel.  This year - despite the fact that I've lost 15 pounds (yay me!) I am still significantly overweight and really struggling with my self image.  I'm loathe to start packing.  I also worry that I'm going to fall off the Weight Watchers wagon while I'm away (try saying that five times fast!).    I really REALLY don't want that to happen.

Ugh.  I can't even look forward to my vacation because I'm stressing about it so much.  I'm going to shut up now because I'm starting to feel even more obsessive about it.  Grrgh!

helicopter parenting

What is helicopter parenting?   The term was originally coined by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay in their 1990 book Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility and basically means that helicopter parents "hover" over their children and are extremely (in all likelihood OVERLY) involved in every aspect of their children's lives.  


I'm not saying by ANY means that being involved in your child's life is a bad thing.  However I've been exposed to several parents I would ID as "helicopter parents" lately - and I have to be honest and say I don't think they're doing their children any favors.  


I would say I'm NOT a helicopter parent at all.  I allow Cassidy to get into situations where she might get hurt.  While I am going to avoid serious injury - I want her to take risks.  I remember reading somewhere (though I can't remember where anymore, but it was a research-based article) that children who take risks in play are better readers - because they learn not to be afraid of risks.  


An example of what I'm talking about - I let Cassidy climb up (and down) stairs.  I stay within arms reach because stairs are dangerous for a toddler, but I let her try them.  Today she surprised me by figuring out how to scooch down the stairs on her butt.  We were at a public place while she was doing that and I got several strange looks from other parents while she was experimenting.  You know the look I mean - that look that means "I can't believe she (me) is letting her (the baby) do that.  What kind of parent is she?!?!"


I have a friend who has a niece the same age as Cassidy and she describes her nieces parents as the helicopter type (though she's never used that term).  She has compared Cassidy and her niece "A" and has noticed that Cassidy did (almost) everything earlier than "A".  She crawled earlier, stood earlier, cruised earlier, walked earlier, talked earlier and continues to talk more.  Part of me is shallow and childish and wants to sing "Ha-ha - My babies smarter than your baby!"  But mostly I wonder if it comes down to the experiences that we let Cassidy have.


I am not a perfect parent - at all.  But I think that me being OK with my child getting hurt (within reason!) may be one of the best things I can do for her.  

Joys of parenting

Today was one of those days where being a parent was truly a great joy.

We (my awesome husband and I) took Cassidy to Hersheypark to their Boardwalk.

We were a little nervous with it being her first time in the water park and we were pushing back naptime (by about 3 hours) to make it happen.  But we figured we'd give it a go.

And she was AWESOME!  She talked and giggled and watched from the stroller the whole way from the car to the boardwalk (which is at the opposite end of the park from the entrance for those of you not familiar).  Then she sat amicably and ate lunch with us - including trying Mama's salad (a new experience!).

Then we hit the wave pool.  At first she was hesitant, but game.  As the hour crept by she got braver and braver - until her brave face disappeared all together and she was just straight up having fun.  It was great.  Then we moved on to a smaller wave pool geared towards young children - and it had a water slide.

Cassidy is now a (miniature) water slide pro.  At first Mama had to go down with her - but by the end she was ready and willing to go on her own - since Daddy was at the bottom to catch her!

The smiles were great.  The hugs and kisses and giggles and the look of wonder were amazing.

I wish I had pictures to show - but we were just too caught up in enjoying the moment.

We never did get to a nap (not for lack of trying) which did lead to some slightly trying moments - but also some cuddly and sweet ones!  I wouldn't change it for anything.

Today being Mama was absolutely 100% the best part of the day - sunburn, scratches, exhaustion and all.

Bad Mom

There are so so SO many things that I do that according to current popular child-rearing beliefs and the internet make me a "bad mom".  And I've decided that I just don't care anymore.  I'm a BAD MOM and I'm ok with that.

I use disposable diapers - cloth diapers be damned.

I let my daughter have a bottle in bed.

I don't remember to read to her every day.

I lose my patience.

I stopped breastfeeding at 6 months - and before that she got 1/2 breast milk and 1/2 formula.

I work.  I need to work for financial reasons - but I would work even if I didn't have to.

I let her watch TV.  Sometimes I even encourage it.

I feed her McDonald's, and cookies.

I have spanked her.

I've told her "NO".

I plan on using pull-ups (apparently its now inappropriate to use pull-ups and I quote "there are diapers and underwear - there should be nothing inbetween").  Oh, well.

I yell at her when I get frustrated (I feel bad about it later, but it's happened).

I'm sure there's more.  But that's all I can remember at the moment.

Even after listing all that - I'm still ok with being considered a "bad" mom.  You know why - because my daughter is healthy, she's bright, she's loving, and on a fast track developmentally.  So in reality - maybe I'm not such a bad mom after all. 

4 . . . . 7 . . . . 7.5 . . . . 8 . . . . 77

4 . . . . weeks of Weight Watchers

7 . . . . . pounds lost

7.5 . . . . total inches lost (arms, hips, bust, waist, and thighs)

8 . . . . percent of goal achieved

77 . . . . lbs left to go

So, its been a lot of hard work, and to be honest - not as much of a result as I'd like (although the inches lost was somewhat reassuring after the minimal weight loss of last week). 

I'm frustrated.  I don't know if its the summer, or if its just hitting a funk, or if its that I'm jealous that my husband lost 4 pounds last week by just switching from regular to diet soda (proud of him, btw - but jealous just the same). 

I think part of it goes back to feeling a loss of ownership of my body. 

I experienced that feeling for the first time about 4.5 years ago when I was very sick and it felt like my body was shutting down on me (and essentially parts of it were). 

I felt that way again when I was pregnant and I was struggling through "morning sickness" that wouldn't go away, heartburn that lasted for months, and high blood pressure that lead to all kinds of issues and eventually bed rest.

When I think about it, I don't know that those feelings ever went away. 

I certainly don't feel like myself.  I hate that I get winded and am too tired to actively play with my daughter.  I REALLY hate that my butt was too wide to fit down the slide with her (I admit that I cried over that one).  I hate what I see when I look in the mirror.  I REALLY hate what I see when I see myself in pictures or on video. 

I miss not worrying about every bite that I put into my mouth.  Yesterday I literally broke down over dinner.  Cried like an idiot at dinner with my family and a bunch of their friends. 

I know that I'm doing the right things and that I'm working hard.  On a good day I can be proud of that.  On a bad day - it doesn't really mean anything. 

I'm not trying to bring anyone down - least of all myself.  But I think I needed to talk about it - and figured my blog might just be the best place to do it. 

Well, here's hoping tomorrow is a better day and that this week is (overall) a better week.

Disappointment

Not in such a good place at the moment.  At my weekly weigh in I'd only lost 1/2 a pound.  I've been working so hard and that number was really disappointing.  I definitely expected more.  I haven't gone over my daily or weekly points ever in this whole process so I have no idea why I'd lose so little this week.

I want ice cream.

Bottle Drama

It is 3:56AM as I begin to write this.

Why in the world am I up you may ask.

Well, I was trying to be a good mama, but now I feel  like a bad mama.

I've been wanting to wean Cassidy off her bottle since her first birthday.  I decided that I would wait until I was done with work for the summer so that Colin and I would be working together so that we could be consistent and make this as painless (ha) as possible.

First I would like to say that she only gets bottles at nap and at bedtime (and one time during the night when she wakes up - but that is usually just water).  We've been cutting down the amount of fluid in the bottle for about a month now, but we weren't very good at being consistent with that.  So.  After doing some research (with the majority of people saying that it's not a big deal - let them do it on their own.  But I don't want a 3 year old still having bottles!  anyway . . . . ) I decided that I would dilute the milk (and only offer milk) and then start by cutting out the middle of the night bottle.

Well, tonight was the first night without the middle of the night bottle.  See, I thought that this one was more of a habit than anything else because she almost always woke up between 12 and 12:15 when Daddy gets home from work and then its only water.  So, in my mind - no big deal right.

WRONG.  It's 4:02.  She woke up around 1:45 - and its only in the last 3 minutes that the screaming and crying stopped.

I tried offering a sippy cup.  I tried rocking her.  I tried patting her.

I have NEVER seen my child tantrum the way she did tonight.

We did NOT give in and give her the bottle (because I knew that would just make what we went through worthless by teaching her that if she screamed enough she'd eventually get the bottle).

But boy did I want to.

I feel like a bad mommy, letting her scream and cry like that.  Now I'm questioning myself - wasn't she ready?  Why are you forcing this on her?  Etc.

She's been quiet for almost 10 minutes now.  I think she's finally asleep (I've been fooled before when she paused to gear herself up for round 2 . . . and round 3 . . . and round 1820948092750984302 . . . ).

The question is - do I do it again tomorrow night?