4 . . . . 7 . . . . 7.5 . . . . 8 . . . . 77

4 . . . . weeks of Weight Watchers

7 . . . . . pounds lost

7.5 . . . . total inches lost (arms, hips, bust, waist, and thighs)

8 . . . . percent of goal achieved

77 . . . . lbs left to go

So, its been a lot of hard work, and to be honest - not as much of a result as I'd like (although the inches lost was somewhat reassuring after the minimal weight loss of last week). 

I'm frustrated.  I don't know if its the summer, or if its just hitting a funk, or if its that I'm jealous that my husband lost 4 pounds last week by just switching from regular to diet soda (proud of him, btw - but jealous just the same). 

I think part of it goes back to feeling a loss of ownership of my body. 

I experienced that feeling for the first time about 4.5 years ago when I was very sick and it felt like my body was shutting down on me (and essentially parts of it were). 

I felt that way again when I was pregnant and I was struggling through "morning sickness" that wouldn't go away, heartburn that lasted for months, and high blood pressure that lead to all kinds of issues and eventually bed rest.

When I think about it, I don't know that those feelings ever went away. 

I certainly don't feel like myself.  I hate that I get winded and am too tired to actively play with my daughter.  I REALLY hate that my butt was too wide to fit down the slide with her (I admit that I cried over that one).  I hate what I see when I look in the mirror.  I REALLY hate what I see when I see myself in pictures or on video. 

I miss not worrying about every bite that I put into my mouth.  Yesterday I literally broke down over dinner.  Cried like an idiot at dinner with my family and a bunch of their friends. 

I know that I'm doing the right things and that I'm working hard.  On a good day I can be proud of that.  On a bad day - it doesn't really mean anything. 

I'm not trying to bring anyone down - least of all myself.  But I think I needed to talk about it - and figured my blog might just be the best place to do it. 

Well, here's hoping tomorrow is a better day and that this week is (overall) a better week.