Vacation Freak Out

I love to travel.  I love the going places and seeing new things and the freedom that magic word VACATION really means.  The problem is - I'm not very good at it!  I get nervous and jumpy and uncomfortable.  I'm always afraid I'm going to forget something, or overpack (that one's a given, I mean I AM a girl!).

Last year's vacation I was even more nervous than ever.  We were flying to Texas with a not-quite-three-month-old baby.  But we were spending the best part of a week at the beach and the rest of it just hanging at a hotel with some of our friends and Colin's family.  So planning was actually a breeze.  I had no worries about packing (other than the fact that I didn't fit into . . . oh . . . ANY of my summer clothes!)  Luckily enough once I experienced the ease of flying with itty-bitty-tiny Cassidy I was able to relax and really enjoyed my vacation.

(Cassidy on her first plane ride)

So, you'd think that this year would be just as simple.  After all we're flying to Texas again - this time to go camping and visit some of our friends in Austin.

Not the case.  I'm totally freaking out.

Part of it is that Cassidy is almost-sixteen-months old.  That is a lifetime of difference from three months.  Eating is different, sleeping is different, PLAYING is different!

EATING: At three months she nursed and that was it!  So for food - we were good!  I had to make sure I packed the pump and a bottle for back up, but that was easy.  Now we are feeding ourself (what a big girl!) but that means high chair and toddler plates, bowls, forks and spoons!  Oh yeah and sippy cups, not to mention we still have to take a bottle because we haven't quite gotten rid of the LAST one she has (right before bed every day).

SLEEPING: At three months sleep was - well there was a lot of it to begin with.  Plus she would sleep wherever and whenever.  At night she either slept with us, or on the floor on a little pallet that we made for her.   We didn't have to worry about her moving around or whatever.  Nurse, sleep, we were good!  Now is a whole other story.  First of all - it takes her about 20 minutes of wiggling, screaming, and/or talking to herself in her crib to GET to sleep.  Once asleep she wiggles and rolls and moves.  Sometimes she wakes up and has to talk/sing herself back to sleep.  None of these things work well with Mama and Daddy in the room.  Unfortunately we're CAMPING in a TRAILER.  Cassidy, Mama, and Daddy will be sharing a very small room - with bunk beds.  No room for a pack and play - and it could cost us as much as $70 to get it there and back anyway (could be free, but airlines are very unclear on what flies free and what you pay for!)  So - this could potentially be a problem.

PLAYING: At three months playing was pretty much tummy time and listening and looking.  We took a few toys, but nothing to speak of.  Now . . . well, entertainment is a must.  And I'm worried about taking the wrong toys - or not enough toys - or wasting space taking toys that end up not being used at all.

Yes I'm obsessing.

I'm also nervous about me.  Last year I definitely felt, well - fat.  But I was also realistic - I'd just had a baby and gone through a difficult pregnancy so - even though I wasn't happy (or comfortable) with the fat I kind of felt like it was part and parcel.  This year - despite the fact that I've lost 15 pounds (yay me!) I am still significantly overweight and really struggling with my self image.  I'm loathe to start packing.  I also worry that I'm going to fall off the Weight Watchers wagon while I'm away (try saying that five times fast!).    I really REALLY don't want that to happen.

Ugh.  I can't even look forward to my vacation because I'm stressing about it so much.  I'm going to shut up now because I'm starting to feel even more obsessive about it.  Grrgh!

helicopter parenting

What is helicopter parenting?   The term was originally coined by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay in their 1990 book Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility and basically means that helicopter parents "hover" over their children and are extremely (in all likelihood OVERLY) involved in every aspect of their children's lives.  


I'm not saying by ANY means that being involved in your child's life is a bad thing.  However I've been exposed to several parents I would ID as "helicopter parents" lately - and I have to be honest and say I don't think they're doing their children any favors.  


I would say I'm NOT a helicopter parent at all.  I allow Cassidy to get into situations where she might get hurt.  While I am going to avoid serious injury - I want her to take risks.  I remember reading somewhere (though I can't remember where anymore, but it was a research-based article) that children who take risks in play are better readers - because they learn not to be afraid of risks.  


An example of what I'm talking about - I let Cassidy climb up (and down) stairs.  I stay within arms reach because stairs are dangerous for a toddler, but I let her try them.  Today she surprised me by figuring out how to scooch down the stairs on her butt.  We were at a public place while she was doing that and I got several strange looks from other parents while she was experimenting.  You know the look I mean - that look that means "I can't believe she (me) is letting her (the baby) do that.  What kind of parent is she?!?!"


I have a friend who has a niece the same age as Cassidy and she describes her nieces parents as the helicopter type (though she's never used that term).  She has compared Cassidy and her niece "A" and has noticed that Cassidy did (almost) everything earlier than "A".  She crawled earlier, stood earlier, cruised earlier, walked earlier, talked earlier and continues to talk more.  Part of me is shallow and childish and wants to sing "Ha-ha - My babies smarter than your baby!"  But mostly I wonder if it comes down to the experiences that we let Cassidy have.


I am not a perfect parent - at all.  But I think that me being OK with my child getting hurt (within reason!) may be one of the best things I can do for her.  

Joys of parenting

Today was one of those days where being a parent was truly a great joy.

We (my awesome husband and I) took Cassidy to Hersheypark to their Boardwalk.

We were a little nervous with it being her first time in the water park and we were pushing back naptime (by about 3 hours) to make it happen.  But we figured we'd give it a go.

And she was AWESOME!  She talked and giggled and watched from the stroller the whole way from the car to the boardwalk (which is at the opposite end of the park from the entrance for those of you not familiar).  Then she sat amicably and ate lunch with us - including trying Mama's salad (a new experience!).

Then we hit the wave pool.  At first she was hesitant, but game.  As the hour crept by she got braver and braver - until her brave face disappeared all together and she was just straight up having fun.  It was great.  Then we moved on to a smaller wave pool geared towards young children - and it had a water slide.

Cassidy is now a (miniature) water slide pro.  At first Mama had to go down with her - but by the end she was ready and willing to go on her own - since Daddy was at the bottom to catch her!

The smiles were great.  The hugs and kisses and giggles and the look of wonder were amazing.

I wish I had pictures to show - but we were just too caught up in enjoying the moment.

We never did get to a nap (not for lack of trying) which did lead to some slightly trying moments - but also some cuddly and sweet ones!  I wouldn't change it for anything.

Today being Mama was absolutely 100% the best part of the day - sunburn, scratches, exhaustion and all.

Bad Mom

There are so so SO many things that I do that according to current popular child-rearing beliefs and the internet make me a "bad mom".  And I've decided that I just don't care anymore.  I'm a BAD MOM and I'm ok with that.

I use disposable diapers - cloth diapers be damned.

I let my daughter have a bottle in bed.

I don't remember to read to her every day.

I lose my patience.

I stopped breastfeeding at 6 months - and before that she got 1/2 breast milk and 1/2 formula.

I work.  I need to work for financial reasons - but I would work even if I didn't have to.

I let her watch TV.  Sometimes I even encourage it.

I feed her McDonald's, and cookies.

I have spanked her.

I've told her "NO".

I plan on using pull-ups (apparently its now inappropriate to use pull-ups and I quote "there are diapers and underwear - there should be nothing inbetween").  Oh, well.

I yell at her when I get frustrated (I feel bad about it later, but it's happened).

I'm sure there's more.  But that's all I can remember at the moment.

Even after listing all that - I'm still ok with being considered a "bad" mom.  You know why - because my daughter is healthy, she's bright, she's loving, and on a fast track developmentally.  So in reality - maybe I'm not such a bad mom after all. 

4 . . . . 7 . . . . 7.5 . . . . 8 . . . . 77

4 . . . . weeks of Weight Watchers

7 . . . . . pounds lost

7.5 . . . . total inches lost (arms, hips, bust, waist, and thighs)

8 . . . . percent of goal achieved

77 . . . . lbs left to go

So, its been a lot of hard work, and to be honest - not as much of a result as I'd like (although the inches lost was somewhat reassuring after the minimal weight loss of last week). 

I'm frustrated.  I don't know if its the summer, or if its just hitting a funk, or if its that I'm jealous that my husband lost 4 pounds last week by just switching from regular to diet soda (proud of him, btw - but jealous just the same). 

I think part of it goes back to feeling a loss of ownership of my body. 

I experienced that feeling for the first time about 4.5 years ago when I was very sick and it felt like my body was shutting down on me (and essentially parts of it were). 

I felt that way again when I was pregnant and I was struggling through "morning sickness" that wouldn't go away, heartburn that lasted for months, and high blood pressure that lead to all kinds of issues and eventually bed rest.

When I think about it, I don't know that those feelings ever went away. 

I certainly don't feel like myself.  I hate that I get winded and am too tired to actively play with my daughter.  I REALLY hate that my butt was too wide to fit down the slide with her (I admit that I cried over that one).  I hate what I see when I look in the mirror.  I REALLY hate what I see when I see myself in pictures or on video. 

I miss not worrying about every bite that I put into my mouth.  Yesterday I literally broke down over dinner.  Cried like an idiot at dinner with my family and a bunch of their friends. 

I know that I'm doing the right things and that I'm working hard.  On a good day I can be proud of that.  On a bad day - it doesn't really mean anything. 

I'm not trying to bring anyone down - least of all myself.  But I think I needed to talk about it - and figured my blog might just be the best place to do it. 

Well, here's hoping tomorrow is a better day and that this week is (overall) a better week.

Disappointment

Not in such a good place at the moment.  At my weekly weigh in I'd only lost 1/2 a pound.  I've been working so hard and that number was really disappointing.  I definitely expected more.  I haven't gone over my daily or weekly points ever in this whole process so I have no idea why I'd lose so little this week.

I want ice cream.

Bottle Drama

It is 3:56AM as I begin to write this.

Why in the world am I up you may ask.

Well, I was trying to be a good mama, but now I feel  like a bad mama.

I've been wanting to wean Cassidy off her bottle since her first birthday.  I decided that I would wait until I was done with work for the summer so that Colin and I would be working together so that we could be consistent and make this as painless (ha) as possible.

First I would like to say that she only gets bottles at nap and at bedtime (and one time during the night when she wakes up - but that is usually just water).  We've been cutting down the amount of fluid in the bottle for about a month now, but we weren't very good at being consistent with that.  So.  After doing some research (with the majority of people saying that it's not a big deal - let them do it on their own.  But I don't want a 3 year old still having bottles!  anyway . . . . ) I decided that I would dilute the milk (and only offer milk) and then start by cutting out the middle of the night bottle.

Well, tonight was the first night without the middle of the night bottle.  See, I thought that this one was more of a habit than anything else because she almost always woke up between 12 and 12:15 when Daddy gets home from work and then its only water.  So, in my mind - no big deal right.

WRONG.  It's 4:02.  She woke up around 1:45 - and its only in the last 3 minutes that the screaming and crying stopped.

I tried offering a sippy cup.  I tried rocking her.  I tried patting her.

I have NEVER seen my child tantrum the way she did tonight.

We did NOT give in and give her the bottle (because I knew that would just make what we went through worthless by teaching her that if she screamed enough she'd eventually get the bottle).

But boy did I want to.

I feel like a bad mommy, letting her scream and cry like that.  Now I'm questioning myself - wasn't she ready?  Why are you forcing this on her?  Etc.

She's been quiet for almost 10 minutes now.  I think she's finally asleep (I've been fooled before when she paused to gear herself up for round 2 . . . and round 3 . . . and round 1820948092750984302 . . . ).

The question is - do I do it again tomorrow night?

Just for shrieks and gigggles

This week has been one that is both full of joy, and a real test on my patience.  

Let me start this by saying - I love love love being a mom.  I do, and I love the time that I spend with my daughter.  And there are things that happened this week that have really helped to prove that.  

For example:  Earlier today I lay down and took a nap because I had an awful headache.  Cassidy was also napping, and my husband had just gotten home from lunch out with a friend so I knew he'd take care of things when she woke up.  And he did - but a couple of hours later I woke up to a little voice at the door saying "Mama?" When I opened my eyes and she saw I was awake she came barreling into the room at full speed to jump up and down til I picked her up all the while saying "Mama! Mama!"  When I picked her up she gave me a sweet little kiss and snuggled in for one of her rare hugs.  And that one moment (temporarily) blocked out the fact that we'd had a rough morning, a rougher church service, and that I still had a huge headache.  

And there are lots of moments like that.

But we're going through a separation anxiety stage (so late I thought we'd missed it entirely) and she refuses to be away from Mama.  

Examples:

Last week at church when I took her to the nursery so I could teach Sunday School she spent the first 20 minutes banging on the door and screaming "Mama, Mama, Mama".  She was so loud that I heard her from all the way down the (very long) hall and through two sets of closed doors.  And I had to go get her because she was upsetting the other children in the nursery.

Yesterday Daddy tried to take her to the store.  She screamed the whole way from the house to the car, but we thought "Oh she loves the store, she'll calm down when she gets there."  Wrong.  My poor husband had to drag a screaming, crying toddle through the grocery store.  She kept trying to get away and when he put her down on the ground she ran to the door (of the store) screaming "Mama! MAMA!"  And so he brought her home, forgetting to get half of the groceries and having to go back to the store.  

Thats not to mention that his feelings were (are)  very hurt.  

I know this is normal - but it's not normal for her!  Cassidy is one of the happiest, most social children I've ever met - and she always has been.  SIGH  I suppose we'll get through this too - but I hope it passes quickly!

P.S. In other news I've lost another 1.5 lbs for a total of 6.6!  It's slow going, but it IS going so 6.6 down 78.4 to go (I tell you I can't wait until the first number is bigger than the second!)

"Mama"

This has been an interesting morning.  Cassidy is just fine playing in the living room and watching Dora (Backpack, backpack - she's singing right now as I type this).  But then - she sees me and its "MAMA - MAMA - MAMA - MAMA!  She doesn't want anything (or at least nothing I can figure out) but as soon as she sees me it starts.  She's actually been doing this for about 4 days now.  I am officially tired of hearing the word Mama.  

Ok, I know that's not true.  I remember the first time she said Mama I almost cried.  The first time she said it and  I knew she meant me I did cry (just a little).  I also know that if she never said it again I would feel terrible.  

But - I am looking forward to nap time (T minus 42 minutes and counting) so that I'll have a break from the constant cry of "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!" every time I pass by.

Oh the little things in life . . . 

Yay me!

No time for a real post BUT I lost 3.1 pounds this week for a total of 5.1 lost since I started (2 weeks ago, lol). I'm super excited!  Hope it keeps up!

Weighing in on weight loss

Well, I did it.  I weighed myself.  Week one is done and the result: I've lost 2 pounds!

I'm very happy that I lost those two pounds.  I worked REALLY hard this week and I (subconsciously, I think) kept telling myself if I could lose just 2 pounds this week it would be worth it.  And I did it.

But I can't help but feel a little disappointed too.  I think part of me was hoping it would be more.  It probably doesn't help that my WiiFitPlus informed me (before it told me my weight) that I'm still "obese".

I know its going to be slow going and hard work.  And I prepared myself for that.  I guess I just didn't realize that I would be discouraged so easily.

I know in reality that this past week was a success - I just have to believe it!

So I'm beginning week two - hope I'm just as successful this week as I was last week!

Cheat Day = Epic Fail

So as you may remember from my post here this week was a momentous one for me in that I jumped on the Weight Watchers bandwagon and dedicated myself to that lifestyle change that is weight loss.

If you don't know how Weight Watchers works you can check their website out.  But, the basic premise is that food is assigned points based on certain criteria (fat, carbs, fiber, and protein).  You have a certain number of points you can use each day (based on your weight, age, gender, and whether you are trying to lose weight or maintain your weight-loss).  You also can earn extra points for the activity (exercise) that you do.  Also you have 49 points each week that you can use for extra treats - or as many of my friends do on their diets - to have a cheat day.

So far, so good.  I've been feeling really positive about my choice, and haven't really felt that I've really had to give that much up.  I have to admit that I've been almost fanatical about keeping track of the food I eat and making sure that I stick strictly to my daily points.  I decided early on that when I started this I would need to be fanatical about it in order to make sure that I stick to it.  I knew if I wasn't exacting I would fail - I'm kind of an all or nothing type of girl!

I also felt that in order for me to not get frustrated or feel cheated or just want to give up I would need to be able to eat the "junk" that I like.  So I decided that I would (like so many others) have a "cheat day" each week where I could use the 49 weekly points (being that my daily balance is currently 37 - this is more than doubling my allowance).  This week I decided that I would have my cheat day today!  I knew I was going hiking in the Carlisle/Mt. Holly area - the location of my all time favorite pizza place.

Somehow, I have failed at cheating!  And its a cheating that is acceptable and even encouraged!

I DID go to the pizza place, and I DID get pizza AND chicken strips and fries (to split with Cassidy).

I did NOT however go over my daily points value.  At least not yet!  I ate only a little bit while I was there and brought the rest home, so I guess its possible that I'll want to eat it later.  But unlikely.

Who FAILS at eating whatever they want in a 24 hour period???


On a side note - tomorrow is the big day - where I weigh in for the first time.  Cross your fingers and hope that I lose weight (even if it's just a little)!

Temper Tantrums and Potty Break

Cassidy has been growing like a weed.  She is so tall that dresses size 18month are too short on her (and she's only 14 months old)!!!!  She is talking more and more (new words include: baby, puppy, night night, bear, mickey, Gram and many more).  She is using a spoon to feed herself and manages to get most of it in her mouth even.

Unfortunately we've also begun to encounter the dreaded TEMPER TANTRUM.  Cassidy will hit, scream, and/or throw herself down on the floor to cry when she doesn't get what she wants.  It is decidedly unpleasant.  I'm hoping that it will pass quickly, but it so far it is not fun.

Another interesting development - could my baby be ready to potty train?  The past two days when she pees or dirties her diaper she goes off by herself, squats, and does her business.  Then she comes back to either me or Gram (if she's at Gram's house) and grabs the front of her diaper and says "peepee".

Could this mean its time to buy a potty?  Now don't get me wrong - I don't want to push my baby girl into something she's not ready for.  But - I also don't want to wait if she's ready.  I can't believe that a baby so young would be ready to potty train, but I suppose stranger things have happened . . .

Waitinng for Weight Loss

Every new mom (and many not-so-new-moms) feel the burden of the extra weight they gained during - and sometimes before - their pregnancy.  I was the same.  I was also determined to be at my goal weight by Cassidy's first birthday.  Initially I was driven and stuck to it. By the time I went back to work in August after the summer break I'd lost over 40 pounds.  Yay me!  Unfortunately I let life get in the way and slowly slipped back into bad habits.  About 3 months ago I weighed myself and found that I'd gained about 5 pounds back.  Not to bad, but there was no way I was going to even lose all the baby weight by Cassidy's birthday, let alone get to my goal.  I decided to make a new goal and get back in gear.  I thought I was doing really well.  Slipping up here and there, but overall improving my eating habits.  I switched to diet soda (most of the time) and tried to stop snacking.  I started eating popcorn instead of chips and chicken instead of steak. 

Sounds good right . . . ?  Well, apparently not so much.  I weighed myself for the first time in those 3 months today, and was devastated to find out I had GAINED 9 pounds!!!  So, I am at (gulp) 225lbs.  Yes you heard me.  As humiliating as it is to admit that I weigh that much it is more humiliating to KNOW that I weigh that much. 

The time for excuses is over.  No more "I just had a baby".  No more "I only had time for McDonald's" and no more "But I really wanted  . . . ".

So, I joined Weight Watchers Online today.  I know several people who have had success using the program and I hope that I can be sucessful too.  Scratch that - I WILL be successful.  Today a friend/co-worker of mine and I created a motivational presentation based on Yoda's famous words "Do or do not, there is no try."  And there's my motivation - I'm not going to TRY to lose weight.  I'm going to DO it.  I'm going to need some help and some support, but I will get there.

Finding a Routine

One of the great things about my job is that I'm contracted to work the same schedule as school year teachers (plus a couple of extra weeks on each end of the school year).  Which means that with Easter comes Easter break!  So I've been off work for the last 6 days.  I've really enjoyed spending the extra time at home with Colin and Cassidy.  Colin and I actually got to go out on a date!  And Cassidy and I slowly started to get into a new bedtime routine.  Our routine until this point has been - no routine at all. 

So, our bedtime routine is now. Bath at 6PM, followed by a 15 minute tantrum from 6:20 - 6:35 when I take her out of the tub and attempt to get her dressed (we're working on this). Then we visit with Daddy, the volunteers, and (sometimes) the guests upstairs in the main part of the (Ronald McDonald) House.  Then we come back home, read a story and I lay her down with a bottle (also trying to get rid of this - but its a slow process).  Sometimes she takes the bottle and goes right to sleep and sometimes she plays and sometimes she fusses, but usually she's asleep between 7:30 and 8. 

Not too bad of a routine, especially when you consider that we didn't really have one before.  My worry is that when I get back to work (TOMORROW!) our routine is going to fall apart.  Now she hasn't really suffered from the lack of routine - but I think I have! 

Arhg.  Well until this point I've been trying to live in the moment and enjoy whatever is happening with our little family as it happens rather than missing the past or worrying about what comes next.  So, I guess the best course of action is - no action at all.  Whatever happens, happens! 

Doritos, Harry Potter, and Housework

My little girl is growing up!

So . . . having a baby - I mean TODDLER! - that manages to find every little piece of everything on the floor and eat is means that having clean floors is a must. However, anyone who knows me knows that a combination of back/hip issues and a complete aversion to anything resembling housework means that this could present something of a problem for me. 

That said, my floors are not in the best shape.  SO - I did what any responsible parent would do - I hired someone to come and clean them for me.  She's coming on Wednesday.  At 9 o'clock in the morning.  This presents a problem.  As anyone who has ever lived with me can attest - I'm one of those people who is quite comfortable living in clutter. 

So, I need to clean my house before the person who is coming to clean my floors shows up - and I only gave myself 2 days to do it.  So today I worked my usual 8 hours, picked Cassidy up from Gram and Papa's house and brought her home to play a bit.   A little over an hour later I packed her, my briefcase, and her diaper bag up to head to a 2 + hour meeting.  So I brought her home (2 hours after her bedtime), read her a story and put her too bed - she's currently singing to herself despite the fact that she should be sleeping. 

So, I finally have time to clean and what am I doing?  Eating Doritos instead of dinner and writing on my blog while watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part 1) in the background.  Am I being productive - not so much, will I regret it tomorrow - very much. 

Being a grown-up is such a pain in the butt. 

Back in the Saddle

Ok, so I'm a terrible blogger.  It' been so long since I've posted that I can't even remember when it was without looking (which I didn't do).


So I'm going to give this another shot.

Cassidy is now officially a toddler.  She turned one 9 days ago and is getting so big!  Her birthday party was totally great and she dove into the cake like a seasoned professional. 

She's been walking for almost 2 months and is now starting to run.  I can't believe how fast she is!  Her latest thing is trying trying to say what we say.  Usually all we can pick up on is one sound (usually a vowel) from the word and the intonation.  It's hysterical to say the least.  She loves to be outside and we take her out as much as we can (when its not perpetually raining). 

Well, I could go on for hours, but it would be mostly nonsensical rambling so we'll pass on that. 

Hopefully this attempt around will be more successful.

Welcome 2011

So, traditionally at the onset of a new year I look back and remember the year that passed.  This past year has been . . . well an interesting one!  Lots of changes.

*Steven got married (to Ashley, 2/5/2010)
*we had the most awesomest baby EVER after an extremely difficult pregnancy, 5 weeks of bed rest and a looooooooooooong labor (4/7/10)
*I started a new job as an instructional coach - making the transition out of the classroom
*I started a SECOND job as the Director of Children's Ministry at the Fishburn UMC.
*visited the in-laws in Texas
*stayed in a (gorgeous) beach house for the first time ever
*Michelle and Adam got married (10/9/10)
*Cassidy was baptized
*Celebrated Grandma Kratz's 75th birthday
*Celebrated our first wedding anniversary
*lost (at least) 45 lbs - but I haven't weighed myself in like 4 months so I don't know if that one counts!


*****and I'm sure a million other things - but between two jobs, a baby and a husband my brain and my body are super tired and I can't think of anything else right now!


So . . . looking forward to next year:

*as typical I'd like to lose weight.  My long term goal: 150, but no, I'm not telling you how many pounds that is
*I'd like to continue my commitment to remaining positive - too often I find myself bogged down by all the negativity out there - so I'm trying to always share the positive things that are going on
*be the best mom and wife I can be
*get our finances into a healthier place and save some money
*be more organized at work and at home

All in all - I just want to enjoy my daughter and my family

So . . . even though its a little late - Happy New Year Y'all!